I'm a sinner not a saint (What happened in November)

I do not claim to be, nor think of myself as a good guy. So many mistakes in my life, so many flaws, so many regrets. 

I first entered a casino when I was 15 years old. I was a regular there. I would go there so often that I made friends with other patrons, who've invited me out to dinner, attend their daughter's 17th birthday party, someone else offered me to marry his daughter for migration purposes, offered to sell me their jewellery, gave me $500 when they saw me on a bad losing streak..... all before I turned 17.

I have shoplifted at least 5 times but never caught. Ran 5 "illegal" businesses and was caught by police 3 times. Went to jail for that. I have cheated my employers, made false claims, no different from stealing money. In short, I am not a saint! The fact my identity is not shared, that my Facebook profile has a fake name with no facial photos proves that I have something to hide. It would probably break my mum's heart if she knew I was playing poker. I am still waiting for my big cash for me to finally reveal everything to her and ask for her acceptance. 

But in my failures, mistakes and regrets I am trying to learn to be a better person. Learning to give without expecting anything in return, to be honest in an industry where success is measured by how well you can lie (bluff), to help those in need and less fortunate than I, to put myself in others' shoes and be considerate of their situation, to be kind to everyone whether or not they reciprocate. 

The true value of light is in the dark

In the past month, my principles and values have been put to the test numerous times. I swore to be a better version of myself but the universe keeps on challenging me to be true to my word. I have been given opportunities to betray my partners, but I didn't. I have been offered deals to benefit myself but hurt others in the process, but I turned them down. I had a pot awarded to me that was supposed to be a chop but no one realised, but I chopped it anyway. I had the reason and means to fire a staff who's cost me a lot of money, but I didn't. I had an opportunity to insist on a stake that was worth a free $2000 but I didn't. One guy asked me for $1000 loan to save him from a difficult situation, knowing that this guy couldn't be trusted, but I did it anyway. 

But despite being true to my word, being the best person I can be, willing to turn the other cheek, I still find myself sprawled on the table, pants down to my ankles, bent over as others take turns defiling me. (I know some of you are turned on by now) I remind myself, I can lose money, I can lose ownership, I can lose face, I can lose authority, but I cannot lose my principles, I cannot lose my sense of justice, I cannot lose my integrity, I cannot go against my word. The fact that I still get fucked in the process only adds value to me.

It's easy to be the bigger man when you're right, but it's of more value when you're wronged. 

Novembers have not been kind to me in the past years. But I believe as long as I continue to do right, even if I am not rewarded, knowing I persisted is reward enough. Every month I share my ups and downs in dollars and cents. This month I may have lost a lot in many things, but I have gained so much as a man. Respect, loyalty and trust from the people I care about.