I’ve always been a pretty positive person. Usually I am always smiling, making jokes on and off the table, friendly with anyone and everyone. Yes I’ve been through some pretty depressing times, but I survived them. But recently I feel as if I am going through what I can only describe as a period of minor poker depression.
Grinding full time is not new to me. In 2020 I probably played poker for 330 days. Sometimes 2-3 days without sleeping. So fatigue is probably not the issue. Pleasing others is not new to me. I used to have to deal with a very unreasonable and selfish China boss, a Cambodian business partner who was bullying and using me, customers and their wives treating us like they are kings and queens, partners and players who owed me a combined USD200k at the peak, and gave me shit when I asked for it, all when I have to put up a smile, laugh at their offensive jokes, attend to their sometimes unreasonable demands… my point is I still maintained my positivity, stayed happy and motivated.
To be honest, I enjoy being with most of the players I played with recently. Some are really genuine and nice people. Rich yet humble and respectful. I’ve learned a lot from observing them as they must be successful for a reason. Although I’m not the host but I feel like I’m part of the team and I try to put myself in the shoes of the host. Try to keep the game going, VIPs happy, even bringing friends to the game. But recently I found myself losing my tilt control, once losing 10 buy ins for no reason at all, another time tilting away a 600bb profit in my last orbit.
I feel it’s so easy to get desensitised to the money. In some games some players are opening more than my monthly rental every single hand. We can swing 1000bb+ each way a session and feel okay but feel pain when spending 150bb on a month-long vacation. The problem is if you care, then you get emotionally high and low every time you play. If you don’t care about it then you become a robot. I think being around players that are much richer than me doesn’t help also. They are even more desensitised to the money than most people. They can lose a lot and won’t feel a thing, but when I lose I feel awful and they can’t relate.
I feel I’ve lost the joy in playing too. When I get a message about a game going on, I actually feel dread as if it’s a dentist appointment. Once I’m there playing I feel better but most days I actually feel relieved if there’s no game that night.
I’m sharing this with you guys because it’s not always fun and games, “your life my dream” kind of thing. I want to be honest to share with you my struggles and weaknesses. I don’t know what my problem is, and I feel it’s a combination of many things but yesterday was the first time I truly enjoyed the game in the past couple of months. If any of you have advice for me, or have similar experiences please share them with me. I want to thank my family and friends for putting up with me in my craziness. I am very happy with other aspects of my life but poker has somehow become something that causes me anxiety sometimes. I am so very thankful for everything in my life and I hope I can keep it going for many years to come.
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| Saw this today and it made me feel better |
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