My Dark Side

Most people who know me through my blog or IG sees the glamourous side of my life, the travel photos, food pics, ITM photos, cash outs etc. Those who's seen me in person sees that I am always smiling, often making jokes, striking up conversations. But only very few people know the darkness of my life. 

I wanted to share this with you to keep it real. On the outside I am doing reasonably well, but when I am alone, or late at night in the dark, my heart wrenches and for years I had to cry myself to sleep. Nowadays not so much, I really thank God for this indescribable peace that I get when I ask for it, and having a super sweet partner really helps make the darkness bright. I really feel I do not deserve her, and you might have seen me sharing about doing good deeds, helping random strangers on the street, giving to charity etc. It is not because I am a goodie goodie guy. I feel that I don't deserve the goodness in my life so I am trying my best to earn it. Paying it back one good deed at a time. 

I have many regrets in life. I've done things I am not proud of. But as they say, no amount regret can change the past, no amount of worrying can change the future. I can only focus on the things that I can control, which is living each day the best I can, being the best I can, and getting better day by day. As a Christian I also believe that broken things can be mended in heaven, so I will get another chance to right some wrongs at some point. Life on earth is just a short journey of all kinds of experiences, to help us appreciate what's important. 

We all have our own baggage that we carry, but you don't see mine as it doesn't surface in my daily life. Happiness is a choice and I have chosen it. And my cheat code is spiritual peace and joy which is OP in this game we call life. Sure I have my cloudy days that most people don't see. My heart still aches and bleeds when I think of certain things. But I have grown so much stronger in dealing with things and I want to encourage you, just like my poker career. If I can, so can you. 

There's a reason I have my demons. Maybe I deserve them, maybe they are there to teach me something, maybe it's there so I can help others who have demons of their own. To be honest, my dream is to live a peaceful life in the countryside, growing my own food, maybe create a shelter for stray animals and fade into the sunset. But for now, I hope to use my journey to encourage and inspire others to find joy and peace in life, and to spread that to more and more people.