New Year Resolutions

Somehow it seems every year is okay but doesn't end well so come January I am always at the crossroads deciding my next move. In 2018 I had a great year on the tournament circuit, won two titles, finished third in a high roller for my biggest career cash in Oct, then Nov-Dec I was agonisingly close to a WSOP ME run and lost big on $35 a point OFC. 2019 I had a good year playing private cash games, went to play a big tournament and finished 4th (also in Oct) but then bricked out Nov-Dec and cash games dried up. 2020 I was running and winning at a profitable business. Nov I started losing and after a lot of drama I was out of the business.

2021 is going to be another very interesting year. I really don't know where it will lead me so it is really hard to decide what my resolutions are going to be. I have learned so much in 2020, about myself, about others, about the world, about values, about what's truly important. It was a path that I had to go through, putting in the hard work and having it taken away from me. Because maybe it wasn't mine to begin with. Or it was just given to me for me to learn my lessons. And I truly believe I have come away a better man.

Another crossroads of my life

Whatever happens, poker is still going to be a big part of my life. I haven't played a lot of Holdem in 2020 and I feel that I am not on top of my game. Maybe years of soft super aggro private games has changed me into this passive, nut hunting, marginal hero calling style which probably doesn't work as well in most other games. So I think 1) Improve my poker skills. I don't want to say study because I know how lazy I am, but I will try to study more. I guess improving my skills also include reviewing my ranges, sizing, observing others, cleaning up my fundamentals, improving my control, etc.

Health should be a top priority this year. There was a death in the family last year, my mum had a Covid scare and my body is sending me warning signs. Honestly I have a great life and I want to live as long as I can. so 2) Be healthier. My theme this year is to be vague with my resolutions LOL. But health means eating better, exercise more, maybe start taking more supplements. I haven't had soda in a long time, and last year I have taken out a lot of processed foods from my diet. I ain't going vegetarian but I do want to have more fruits and vege. 

Some say rest is good for health too

Giving and helping people is what got me here. It will always be a part of me and my principles. I just watched a movie called All Saints and it made me cry so many times. I have toiled so hard in 2020 working every single day without rest. But that was to help myself. I really can see myself working as hard if not harder, like the guy in the movie to help others in need. But at the moment I haven't seen that opportunity or have that calling. Until then financial help seems to be the most practical. 3) Give 10% of my income 

I've never met any of them but I am glad I could help
(And don't ask me why they call me Peter. It's a long story)

It is unlikely there will be any live tournaments in 2021, and I don't enjoy playing online, so I imagine my main source of income is still live cash games. But the Covid storm is also a time of opportunities. There are cheap businesses to snap up, or potential new services and goods that are suddenly in higher demand. So 4) Look for a new project to work on. In 2020 I have proven my business and marketing skills as well as people skills are still sharp. Would be a shame not to use them. 

I look forward to the new challenges 2021 will throw at me. If anything I also learned from 2020 is that life is full of surprises. You'll never know what will happen. Continue to be positive, do good, work hard, and even if things don't go my way, I can hold my head high and be proud of myself. Set yourself goals and resolutions to become a better version of yourself. What are your passions? How can you contribute to society and the betterment of the world? And share those goals with others because we can be your motivation to achieve them. Like you are to me.

Good riddance 2020

2020 has been a rough year for most people, but for the most part it was going well for me until recently. Every year I set New Year resolutions and it is now a tradition that I look back at what I wrote and review my year based on what I set out to do.

In January I wrote: 1) Seek alternative source of income. When I wrote this I wasn't sure what I was going to do. But in late February it just kind of fell into my lap, and in one week, we planned, prepared and opened a new poker club in Phnom Penh, 777. Building this business from scratch was a tough but very satisfying journey. Many people doubted us, but we did it. We were a profitable business by March 4th and never looked back. By June we were running the hottest, juiciest and most consistent PLO game in town. I have seen pots of over 20k on a 2/5 game. I did not have a day off work from March 1st until November 4th, except for 2-3 days early on where we didn't open. I have never worked so hard in my life. (I have played 566 sessions of poker totaling over 1800 hours, ending the year with a modest profit, 9 winning months out of 12) It was only recently at the end of November when it was all taken away from me. And I lost six figures in equity because of it. But I succeeded in creating an alternative source of income for 2020, and still came out doing quite well compared to most people. 

At the peak of my cashflow situation

2) Remain de-gen free for 2020. Well, I am sorry to report that I did not achieve this. In 2019 I was such a good boy and stayed away from everything de-gen. In 2020 I did not. But I can say I was very controlled and was never addicted to it. Compared to my de-gens in the past, this was purely for entertainment purposes and were in very small amounts. 

Prague in February

Thanks to Covid-19, I barely got to play any tournaments at all this year. Thankfully compared to most other people I probably did more travelling than others. Before countries started panicking and locking down, I had already travelled to Hong Kong, Taiwan, Macau, Austria, Czech Republic, Slovakia, Malaysia and of course Cambodia. It was in Taiwan I played one live tournament and had a small cash. I also played in one PLO tournament online and got my one and only WSOP cash in my career. Pretty cool to have a WSOP logo on my Hendon mob record. 3) Be profitable in tournaments - I can honestly say this year I was. But I only played 3 and cashed 2. 

Vienna, Austria

4) to be healthier and lose weight. Well...... I actually did the opposite. Because of my dedication to work, I stopped playing football since March. (I used to play twice a week) We would order supper for late games and this year is the year I have had the most pizzas and alcohol in my life. I actually gained weight. At my last weigh-in, during a visit to a spa with the boys, a week before I was removed from my own business, I weighed exactly 77.7 kgs. I am not proud about it, but 777, pretty cool considering I was the owner of 777. (At the time I was removed, I held 40% of the shares of that business)

Typical pot in 2/5 PLO

The last of my resolutions for 2020 was 5) give to those less fortunate and inspire others to do so. I think I did well this year. I gave to Animal Rescue Cambodia, United Nation's World Food Programme, sent money to a lady who helped poor families in Bali, gave money to a few individuals (some I didn't know at all). Last week there was a guy who flipped over two of my cards (out of 4 in PLO) after I went all in. He ended up calling my bluff after seeing two of my cards. Although I could have called his hand dead for doing that, I guess he needed it more than I did. At this moment I am still being owed a shit ton of money. 

For some, they might say that I had a shitty end to the year. I was doing so well but to lose all that, plus my reputation (as I was told someone was still defaming me until today), and the months of future profit that I had lost. Why a God-fearing man like me would have this befell on me? Maybe I am too soft, too nice, too generous, too trusting, playing by the rules, too honest? But I believe in justice, good karma, and blessings. This year, I have gained a handful of loyal and trustworthy friends. I have earned the respect of my peers and the people who know me well. I have learned the real face of some people that I had counted on as friends. This to me is worth more than money and profit. I also had people who owed me contacted me out of the blue and paid me back in full! In total that was about $6-7k, but because a big portion of that was paid using BTC, I also made money from it considering BTC is now worth more than 3 times when I receive the payment. 

For He makes the sun rise for the evil and the good
(the different views from my balcony in 2020)

Overall this year I had so many frustrated, tired, angry moments, but I also had a lot of pride in what I had achieved, and the true friends that I have made along the way. I've learned that by being me, sure there will be times I will be taken advantage of, bullied, cheated. But I shouldn't change who I am, but instead, rise above the rest and set a good example for the people around me. I hope you will continue to follow my journey, and when the time for vindication comes, then I'll be proof that doing good, being good is the best path in life. 

I'm a sinner not a saint (What happened in November)

I do not claim to be, nor think of myself as a good guy. So many mistakes in my life, so many flaws, so many regrets. 

I first entered a casino when I was 15 years old. I was a regular there. I would go there so often that I made friends with other patrons, who've invited me out to dinner, attend their daughter's 17th birthday party, someone else offered me to marry his daughter for migration purposes, offered to sell me their jewellery, gave me $500 when they saw me on a bad losing streak..... all before I turned 17.

I have shoplifted at least 5 times but never caught. Ran 5 "illegal" businesses and was caught by police 3 times. Went to jail for that. I have cheated my employers, made false claims, no different from stealing money. In short, I am not a saint! The fact my identity is not shared, that my Facebook profile has a fake name with no facial photos proves that I have something to hide. It would probably break my mum's heart if she knew I was playing poker. I am still waiting for my big cash for me to finally reveal everything to her and ask for her acceptance. 

But in my failures, mistakes and regrets I am trying to learn to be a better person. Learning to give without expecting anything in return, to be honest in an industry where success is measured by how well you can lie (bluff), to help those in need and less fortunate than I, to put myself in others' shoes and be considerate of their situation, to be kind to everyone whether or not they reciprocate. 

The true value of light is in the dark

In the past month, my principles and values have been put to the test numerous times. I swore to be a better version of myself but the universe keeps on challenging me to be true to my word. I have been given opportunities to betray my partners, but I didn't. I have been offered deals to benefit myself but hurt others in the process, but I turned them down. I had a pot awarded to me that was supposed to be a chop but no one realised, but I chopped it anyway. I had the reason and means to fire a staff who's cost me a lot of money, but I didn't. I had an opportunity to insist on a stake that was worth a free $2000 but I didn't. One guy asked me for $1000 loan to save him from a difficult situation, knowing that this guy couldn't be trusted, but I did it anyway. 

But despite being true to my word, being the best person I can be, willing to turn the other cheek, I still find myself sprawled on the table, pants down to my ankles, bent over as others take turns defiling me. (I know some of you are turned on by now) I remind myself, I can lose money, I can lose ownership, I can lose face, I can lose authority, but I cannot lose my principles, I cannot lose my sense of justice, I cannot lose my integrity, I cannot go against my word. The fact that I still get fucked in the process only adds value to me.

It's easy to be the bigger man when you're right, but it's of more value when you're wronged. 

Novembers have not been kind to me in the past years. But I believe as long as I continue to do right, even if I am not rewarded, knowing I persisted is reward enough. Every month I share my ups and downs in dollars and cents. This month I may have lost a lot in many things, but I have gained so much as a man. Respect, loyalty and trust from the people I care about. 

2 minutes that might change your PERSPECTIVE

How come some of the rich and famous commit suicide, and some homeless people smile from ear to ear? One word: PERSPECTIVE

Are the lines straight or slanting?

You earn $1000 a month, you spend $500 a month, you feel you're doing well

You earn $10000 a month, you spend $9500 a month, you feel you're not doing well
- Both save $500 a month but why does it feel different?

You used to earn $200 a month, now you earn $3000 a month, you're feeling lucky
You used to earn $5000 a month, now you earn $3000 a month, you're feeling fucked

- Both earn $3000 a month but why does it feel different?

When you're dentist wears a mask, it's out of respect for his patients
When you don't want to wear a mask, it's your right

- Both are supposed to wear masks for others, why should it be different?

When you litter on the floor, it's fine, cause it's not your problem
When someone litters in your backyard, it's not okay
- Litter is litter, why would location make a difference?

A Muslim carries a gun, he's a terrorist.
A non-religious person carries a gun, he's exercising his rights
- Why should religion be the difference?

When an Asian eats durian it's disgusting
When an Asian refuses Blue cheese they have no class

- Okay, this is just me personally hating people calling food that they don't eat disgusting

When you needed money, I am the asshole for not lending
When I ask for my money back, I am the asshole for chasing
But when it's the other way round, I am the asshole for not paying

Sorry it got political and personal for a second LOL. Something more close to home for poker players

When you breakeven after you were winning feels like a loss
When you breakeven after you were losing feels like a win
- Both breakeven but why is it different?

When you have KK vs AA and you lose, it's a cooler
When you have KK vs AA, and flopped a set, and lose, it's a bad beat
- Both times you lost to AA, why should it be different?

If I lose to a guy I like, it's not too bad
If I lose to a guy I dislike, it hurts more

- Both lost the same amount but why does it feel different?

My point is if you look at everything closely, from all perspectives, it is all the same. There's always two sides of the story, sometimes more. And if you can see things always from the right perspective, you will be a happier person, and if all of us do that, the world would be a better place. If we learned to look at things from other perspectives, then we can empathize with others better.  

Something off topic, but did you know, if the whole world, and I mean the whole world and everyone in it, just stayed home and not go out for 14 days straight, then COVID would be over. Problem is there will always be the selfish ones who thinks the rules don't apply to them. 

What happened in October 2020

October was a rough month. My second losing month of the year and not a small amount too. So back to the drawing board and gonna have to grinding it back. When I last had a big losing month in May it took me 3 months to grind it back. 

Winning and losing is part of a poker player's life but if you ask me I don't consider myself a full time poker player anymore. I am not playing optimally, nor during optimal times, nor getting to select the games I want to play in. As a host I have other considerations other than winning, and most of the time I am juggling multiple tasks, stressing about the dynamics, answering messages, entertaining guests, it's hard for me to be playing mistake-free. Honestly I am happy breaking even if possible. 

My only big win of the month

This month has been the hardest for me not because of the losses, but of the drama and stresses I've had to deal with. So many things would keep me up at night and give me heartaches. So many of you have offered your concern and care after reading my posts. I am very touched and thankful. I am sorry to always share my problems with you guys but I also want to keep this blog as honest as possible. But poker life isn't as glamorous as most think. And the success rate isn't high either. First time in my life my body is telling me I have anxiety. I'm usually this carefree guy always laughing and smiling. I wouldn't believe that I have high anxiety myself. But the body doesn't lie. If you wanna know the details you can send me a private message. 

On the bright side, the club will be running our first tournament this Saturday. That should be lots of fun and laughs. I am looking forward to it. So far we have consistently ran a PLO game starting at 2pm without fail for 4 straight months. That's 120+ days in a row. I am really thankful for the support and care from our dear friends. We couldn't have done it without them all. 

After the session still hard at work

I was hoping to finally be able to take my first vacation in 8 months, maybe even sneak in some gym and pool time before work but my plans came crashing down. But I am not complaining. Years from now I would look back and enjoy the fruits of my labour. But when you're labouring hard you rarely have time to reflect and enjoy the process. However I choose to be thankful for the position I am in, in spite of all the shitty stuff I have to deal with. 

Poker Déjà vu

When I was young-er I would wake up and record my weird dreams. Some days I remember my dreams vividly, other days I struggle to even recall the plots. Often I would be chased by some bad guys and I would have a weapon on me, they would always fail. The bullets fall to the ground, the stick become limp, or I get shot first. But as I grew up, and gained confidence, I can actually overcome and kill the bad guys. As I continue to age, I only remember the weird scenarios, scenarios that are familiar but out of place at the same time. And so when I see it play out in real life, the Déjà vu feeling is very strong to me. I have minimum three scenarios that really blew my mind.

I started playing poker in 1999, but that was just for fun. At the time I probably got to play live poker maybe a few days a year so playing live was a treat. In 2005 I was in Sydney for a work trip so I took the opportunity to play poker after hours. During that time they only had 2 tables, one NLH and I was playing on the limit table. In one particular hand I remembered dreaming about the situation. And I remembered a Japanese player would turn his head and say something to me. At the time I remembered what he was going to say before hearing him say it about a second later. Playing poker was something familiar with me, but in Sydney with a Japanese guy talking to me was not. I even mouthed the words he was about to utter before he did. 

April last year I was playing tournament poker in Taipei. One night I had a dream that I won a tournament and the key hand was 77 vs AK. When I woke up I even told my partner about it. I was in the midst of a bad run and was down 200k NTD (7k USD) for the trip at the time. It was the last tournament of the series, and the toughest being the high roller's event as well, and I lost my first bullet. But I rebought and made my way into the final table. 5 players left and I was the chip leader. Second chip leader was close behind but the others were short comparatively. I looked down at 77 and opened. Second chip leader decides to put me all in. If I lost that hand, I would be the shortest stack. But I felt a wave of confidence and remembered my dream. Snap call, he flips over AK. Flop 7. I went on to win it and turned my losing trip into a winning one. 

Nice prize money to go with my trophy

In 2019 I played full time cash games at a private game and also at the casino. The casino had the ugliest chips I've ever played with. One night I had a dream I was playing with the casino crowd, but somehow the poker room was different, and the green chips were different. Familiar and out of place at the same time. A few weeks later the casino hosted the WPT tour. The cash game tables were moved to the ballroom, and they introduced a new design for the green $25 chip. It then came to me I dreamt about this before. 

Old chips old tables

The chips in my dreams

I don't know what is Déjà vu, whether it is a glimpse into the future, or I am just reliving history, or someone altered the code in Matrix and it's a glitch. But often good things follow when I have a Déjà vu moment, or it gives me a sense of assurance that I am on the right path. Whatever it is, it proves that dreams do come true!

If you have any Déjà vu experiences please do share with me!

What happened in September 2020

In September I played a total 174 hours of poker, this time I had some Holdem under my belt. After playing PLO every day I do miss Holdem even though it is slower and more grindy. Unfortunately my results in Holdem was lacking but I still made a small profit for September. 

250bb and still a short stack

Can you believe I've played 1500+ hours of live poker in 2020? I guess I shouldn't complain that I have this opportunity but maybe I am close to burning out. Playing as a player is one thing but playing whilst hosting is another. I have been involved in 5 poker clubs but none as tiring and complicated as this one. I can feel the stress get to me everyday and it's affecting my sleep and health. But I didn't know that I was a workaholic until now. Even when I am "not working" I am. 

I have put on a lot of weight in recent months, because food has become my reward after a hard day's work. Plus I lack the energy and time to work out. Someone very close to me passed away in September and I find myself questioning my own mortality. I am not afraid of dying but I do not want my loved ones to suffer if I leave. Health has to be a top priority in the coming months and I am trying to work on my diet and maybe work in a small daily workout. 

One of my self rewards

Recently I have also been thrown into a tough financial situation. I find myself out a lot of money and unless things start to turn around for me, all may have been for nothing. But that shouldn't affect the giving mentality and helping others who need it more than I do. But it is becoming a bigger internal struggle as every dollar hurts, and my logic is fighting with my heart everyday. 

Sorry my posts have become more depressing and philosophical. I actually have so much to share but I can't at the present time. When I was in Vietnam I often thought to myself how I would write about the truth of my experience in Vietnam. But after I left, I have put that behind me and moved on. I say the same thing about Cambodia but maybe I'll look back and feel the same way.