Are you a poker fish? Take the test!

There was one time, I sat down with a fish next to me. I was telling him about this poker site, that it was fishy. So he responded, "oh you mean the site is weird?" (fishy = weird) I paused for a second, then I said YES. I proceeded to take him for about $1500 that night.

So are you a fish? These are some questions for you. If you don't understand any of them then you might be one.

1. What is a fish? 
a. an animal that breathes underwater with gills
b. a bad player also known as a donkey

*Okay freebie question. If you were a fish, I doubt you would read this article.

2. What is the best position? 
a. 69
b. doggie
c. missionary
d. button

*this is debatable but generally speaking, there is one position that is best for most players. If you chose a, b or c, you might be an expert in something else, but maybe not poker. 

3. What is a calling station?
a. a telephone company
b. a telephone booth
c. a telephone
d. none of the above

*A calling station is someone who calls too much without betting or raising for value or bluffs and calls with weak hands

4. Where is the best position to sit?
a. middle of the table so I can see everyone
b. across from the hot girl so I can look at her all night
c. next to the hot girl so I can talk to her all night
d. to the left of the aggressive player and to the right of the tight player

*All 4 answers are good but D makes you a non-fish

5. What is a LAG?
a. the thing that happens when your internet is slow
b. Ladies And Gentlemen
c. A player that plays a wide range of hands aggressively regardless of position

*There are typically 4 playing styles, and LAG is one of them. If you don't know all 4 and which one you are, you are most likely a fish. Do note that for the best players, they are not any of the 4, they may play one style more than the others but great players switch from style to style even on the same session. If you play TP or LP, you are also likely a fish.

6. How is your poker memory?
a. I keep having to look at my cards again because I can't remember what I have
b. I keep asking what's the action because I don't know or don't remember who bet or raised before
c. After I play a hand I forget about it
d. One time, at band camp, September 2009, I had 2c4s on the button and made it 3x, 2 callers, flop was......

*If you have the memory of a fish, then you must be a fish

7. What is Jacking Off?
a. Favourite pastime of young boys
b. A very nice hand
c. An overrated hand that is only good if flop is JJK, KKJ, or AQT

*Fishes often overrate hands, especially if they are suited. QT, KT, KJ, AT may look great but are not great starting hands

The following are also some things fishes typically do, if you do some of these beware, you might be one too!

1. Stack your chips 5 or 10 chips high instead of the standard 20.
2. Pick up their cards off the table to look at them
3. Look at the first card then peek at the second one slowly like playing baccarat
4. Keep asking how much
5. Asking questions before it's your turn
6. Analysing the hand out loud before the river
7. Keep on looking at your hand

Anyway a fish just means the worst player on the table. If you are the 10th best player in the world but you are sitting down with 1st to 9th, then you are the fish. However if you failed the test above, you are most likely the fish in ANY game.